


Waiting Dusks, In The Morning Ghosts

by hallowgirl



Category: Modern Family (TV)
Genre: Affectionate Insults, Angst, Angst With A Bittersweet Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Cannot Spit It Out, First Kiss, From friends to lovers, M/M, Not Blood Relatives, Opposites Attract
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 06:14:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4655703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hallowgirl/pseuds/hallowgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Luke shakes his head. "You don't even know what you want" he says and his voice cracks. Manny's fingers brushes his wrist and they both look down to see Manny's still holding Luke's sleeve." It's not a joke. It's never been a joke, underneath all the waiting and elbows and the glass shards glittering between them like an accusation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waiting Dusks, In The Morning Ghosts

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of those pairings I don't really ship that much, but one of my friends asked me to have a go at writing it. Also, I couldn't get Alex taking all those pictures of Manny and Luke at the wedding out of my head and what originally started out as kind of a short humour piece turned into something angsty and sad and bittersweet. Also, remember: Luke and Manny are not actually related.

It's just a joke. That's what Alex says when she shows them the pictures. She's laughing, and so's Haley (both of them laughing at the same thing, for once) and even his dad is, and even Mom's smiling a little, and so Luke just rolls his eyes at the whole thing.

"You have to admit, it kind of begged for it" Alex tells him, and he has to admit, looking at the picture of him and Manny leaning against that Just Married sign, it would be kind of easy to get the wrong idea.

He doesn't tell Alex that, of course. Instead, he tells her "Shut up, dork, it's not like you'll even get married" and before he'd known it, the three of them were back in their usual war of words, so that he could forget about those stupid photos on Alex's phone.

He tells himself it won't be a big deal the next time he sees Manny and it isn't, maybe because he's convinced himself it won't be. Manny just shrugs when he looks at the pictures and shakes his head. "I'd choose a more tasteful wedding, myself" he says, and Luke stares at him.

"Uncle Mitch and Uncle Cam are gay" he says. "How can they get more tasteful?"

Manny shrugs. "I don't know. But I can tell you something-those tablecloths leave a _lot_ to be desired."

Luke's too busy rolling his eyes to let himself remember the stupid photos, so they're forgotten underneath him wondering how the hell his best friend is a kid who has opinions on the tasteful design of tablecloths.

 

Luke doesn't remember Manny not being there. Well, he does, but it's just a vague feeling, a thought of when he was almost too little to remember. Manny and Gloria have been there so long now, he almost doesn't remember a time when they weren't, when he didn't slump at a desk next to Manny and roll his eyes at his stupid pan flutes and shirts.

Manny's less annoying now but Luke still ribs him about everything because he can tell Manny's stopped minding. He's always the one who Manny ends up whining to when every cheerleader he falls in love with for five minutes turns him down and the two of them end up sitting out by Jay's pool with a tub of Ben and Jerry's between them, chocolate chunks melting on their tongues and the sun rippling across the water.

"I have to say-" Manny always says, spoon held aloft. "This is severely affecting my attempts to maintain a sunny outlook on the world."

Luke doesn't know what to say to that so he takes what comes naturally to him and flicks a drop of ice cream into his best friend's face. (He's not calling Manny his uncle-he's not his uncle, not by blood or anything, and now that they're older it just seems weird.)

"Luke!" Manny grabs the napkins (Manny is the only guy in the world who would think to bring napkins) and dabs at his shirt. "Do you even know how much this shirt cost?"

"Sorry to the Gods of Jay's Bank Account" is all that Luke can come up with which he's used to around Manny. Manny might get shoved around at school a lot more but Luke's never said that he's smarter than Manny-he knows Manny's smarter, the way he's always known Alex is the smartest of the three of them and it doesn't really bother him. He's the one who knows how to make the other kids in the class crack up laughing and he can do the same to Manny, and that's something he'd rather have than being able to name every one of Pavarotti's operas.

Manny just shakes his head and before he can think twice, Luke dabs the ice cream on the end of his nose. He expects another muttered _"Luke"_ but instead, he gets a grin and a shake of the head, and their shoulders touch while they taste their ice cream and watch the sunset.

 

Manny has to admit, Luke is a lot more tolerable now that they're older. When they were little, Luke was someone he had to put up with, who happened to be his age and his sort-of nephew. But now, it's better, easier, even if Luke has no idea why anyone would willingly wear a bathrobe and prefers to see anything involving explosions rather than films with subtitles.

It's cool to have someone who gets it-even if Luke doesn't always seem to get Manny himself, but gets his problems quite well. Manny tries to puzzle it out (and always has, the same way he's always tried to puzzle Luke himself out, and always fails.) Luke's not too sympathetic or empathetic or even insightful. (Case in point: Luke's idea of a solution to a problem is always ice cream. Who has those problems?) But somehow, Luke's always the one he ends up talking to. Even stranger, Luke's always the one who leaves him laughing at the end and Manny has no idea why. (And the ice cream is actually a pretty delicious solution.)

Luke dates girls sometimes but he never blows Manny off for it, and something about that means something, something which Manny holds onto on the rare occasions that Luke tells him when he has problems. When Alex's teachers think he'll be his sister all over again, it's Manny who provides the ice cream because he figures he should return the favour.

"It sucks" Luke says, succinctly, as they sit in front of the big-screen TV, Joe gurgling in his playpen. "Seriously, sucks. No one's as smart as Alex. It's like the law."

"She's an intellectual type" Manny argues. "You've just got to find your strength, Luke. It will hit you out of the dark, when you least-"

His words are cut off by a cushion in the face. Manny points at him. "Alex would never do that."

Luke throws another cushion, but for a moment his arm is around Manny's neck and their cheeks pressed together. Luke ruffles Manny's hair just to annoy him and Manny glares at him to keep up the act, before they both turn back to the TV screen.

He doesn't know why he drags his mind back then, to those photos Alex took, back when Mitchell and Cam got married a few years ago. She'd showed them to him, and Haley had punched him in the arm and said _When did you get over me?_ in a way that he'd thought was joking (but with Haley, you couldn't be sure, which he meant in the nicest possible way) and Manny had been forever grateful that Luke had rolled his eyes at them all.

He looks at Luke in the glow of the TV screen, blue light casting the edge of his profile and tries to roll his eyes again but doesn't quite convince himself.

 

It's Luke who seems to suggest it. It's one night, when it's just them alone in the house-Mom and Gloria have taken Joe away for a weekend and Haley's visiting Alex at college-and it's just the two of them in front of the TV screen. Manny's never stayed a whole night by himself and Luke's there for company, but mainly to roll his eyes at the cupcakes Manny bakes before stuffing three in his mouth at once.

Now, they're sitting, arms brushing, as they stare at the screen-it's a series of mindless explosions because it's Luke's turn to choose and Manny's determined to argue for something black-and-white next-when Luke turns to him and says "How many girls have you kissed?"

Manny stares at him, the abrupt turn in the conversation taking him by surprise. "Gentlemen don't kiss and tell" he says, for anything to say, while he wonders where Luke got the question from.

Luke arches an eyebrow. "That means, like, two, right?"

Manny glares at him. "No! It just means I'm not going to talk about it behind their backs! Have you not heard the definition of chivalry?"

Luke shrugs. "What's it got to do with shivering?"

Manny shakes his head. "I'm so alone."

Luke rolls his eyes. "Come on, you don't have to tell me their names. Just the number. I'll tell you mine."

Manny stares at him. "You're unbelievable."

Luke shrugs. "Four." He raises an eyebrow. "Come on."

Manny swallows, taken aback by the sheer honesty of the number-not that he'd call Luke a liar but he can't deny that he's definitely someone prone to embellishments. (Manny tried to tell him the story of the boy who cried wolf once, but Luke told him he was dying of boredom before they even got to the second cry of wolf.) "Um-"

Luke sighs and tilts his head to the side. "I'm not going to tell anyone, Manny" he says and Luke so rarely says his name like that that Manny says it without thinking. "Four."

"Seriously?" A fleeting look of surprise crosses Luke's face like a shadow but it's gone before Manny can grab onto it. "Same as me?"

Manny shrugs. "I guess so."

Luke nods. "Cool." A moment of silence stretches out between them and Manny opens his mouth but doesn't reach out to break it.

It's Luke who does that. "How do you know if you're a good kisser?" and Manny swallows, his hand closing reflexively around the remote. For once, he considers paying attention to the explosions.

"Um-I suppose from someone else's reactions-"

"Yeah, but girls aren't going to actually tell you if you're a bad kisser." Luke slumps back into the chair. "I mean, what if all four of those girls were just covering for me, so I wouldn't feel bad?"

"That's an astute thought for you." When Luke glares at him and says "I'm serious" Manny sighs. "Luke, I know you like to abide by elementary school logic, but boys and girls are far more similar than the average sitcom would have you believe. Those girls are probably as nervous as you are. Did you think any of them were bad kissers?"

Luke swallows. "No" he says, the blood creeping up his cheeks and then he says "Did you?"

Manny shrugs. "No bad experiences" he says and then Luke goes "Look, I need your help."

Manny turns to stare at him. "What with?" he says, and there's a part of him that already knows, but he asks anyway.

Luke sighs. "Look, don't make a big deal out of this, OK?" he says, and Manny holds up a hand. "You do know that is the surest way to make me think I need to make a big deal out of it, right?"

Luke rolls his eyes and Manny asks "What is it?" at the same moment as Luke asks "Can I try kissing you?" and then Manny's too busy spluttering to answer.

"Are you serious?" is all he can say and Luke rolls his eyes. "I just said don't make a big deal."

"Don't make a big deal?" Manny's aware his voice is increasingly high-pitched but he thinks this is a situation that calls for it. "There are some situations that demand a big deal! There are some situations that were born to be made a big deal out of!"

Luke sighs. "You can just say no, you know."

Manny stares at him. "You know, you could let me finish my rant."

Luke tilts his head. "Why? It's kind of a yes or no thing."

Manny blinks. "And what happens if I say yes?"

Luke shrugs. "I don't know" he says, that Luke-look of confusion crossing his face. "I guess we just go on watching the film. It's only an experiment."

Manny swallows. "But-" Luke's words shouldn't be making sense because Luke's words don't make sense. Luke is the person who suggests they try driving his mother's car or break into swimming pools. Luke is the one who gets them in trouble.

But now, when Manny thinks about it, Luke is the one suggesting this might not be such a big deal and for once, he might be right and it's knocking Manny's world-view off balance.

"Um-" He swallows, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand even though he hasn't even been eating anything. "OK" he says, but his voice is so low for a moment, even he doesn't believe he's spoken.

Luke stares at him, and he can tell Luke had expected him to say no. "You're serious?"

Manny rolls his eyes. "Now, you decide you aren't?"

Luke sighs and sits up straight. He shuffles closer, and then frowns. "Should I just do this the way I usually do-"

"If you want me to get a basic idea." He frowns suddenly. "Basic. Keep it basic, Luke."

Luke sighs. "Fine." He leans forward. "OK, close your eyes."

Manny tries to think of an objection but can't find any. So, obediently, he lets his eyes fall shut.

He doesn't really have time to think about it or prepare himself or breathe before Luke's mouth is against his, warm and open. Manny's brain is bombarded with _different_ -the lips are a little more forceful against his own, the roughness of Luke's skin is scraping his jaw, it's hard to keep his mouth closed and before he knows it, Luke's tongue's bumping into his own. It's not bad. It's actually quite good and so Manny's able to assure himself that he's answered the question. Yes, Luke knows what he's doing and now, he doesn't need to worry.

Manny's answered the question so he doesn't know why he lets their mouths linger together, Luke's hand pressed awkwardly into the back of his hair, and then Luke pulls back, their mouths breaking apart, and both of them open their eyes at once.

Luke's breathing hard and Manny puts a hand to his lips before he can stop himself. "Um-" Luke's cheeks are flushed, his eyes bright.

Manny shakes his head before Luke can say anything. "You're fine."

Luke blinks. "What?"

Manny grabs the remote control. "You're OK at kissing. I mean-you aren't doing anything wrong."

Luke bites his lip. "Seriously?"

Manny nods, and keeps his eyes on the screen. But he can feel Luke watching him and finally, he sighs and turns to look at him. "You have many admirable qualities, Luke, but you're not subtle."

He waits for a typical Luke Dunphy comeback but instead, Luke just shakes his head. "Sorry. I just-are you mad?"

Manny's not mad. He doesn't know what he is, exactly, but he's not mad. That's not the right word for the mixture of feelings rising in his chest. "No" he says, because this isn't Luke's fault-he said yes. "No, I'm fine."

Luke nods, though he still doesn't look certain. "OK." He turns back to the TV screen. "You-um-you won't tell-"

Manny sighs because of course, Luke hasn't thought this through. "No, Luke. I won't tell anyone."

"Thanks, Manny."

Manny wants to say something but he just nods and touches the remote control. The explosions suddenly seem interesting and it says something that _that_ is the least of his worries.

 

They don't talk about it. A part of Luke wishes he'd never asked Manny to do the stupid experiment. Another part of him is weirdly, stupidly, insanely happy he did and that's the part he can't listen to.

They still hang out-they could hardly avoid it, being part of the same family, and that just makes the whole thing weirder-but it's not just family stuff. They still spend evenings at Manny's, in front of the TV-they still spend afternoons by the pool-Manny still helps when it falls to him to babysit Lily. Basically, everything stays the same. Except for that kiss which they both push into the past, where it can stay buried out of sight, but always there between them.

They've got college and girls and things to think about and that makes it easier. Manny's still trying to be there for girls who won't look at him twice and Luke's still the one laughing him out of it.

"Try going for a girl who's actually gettable" he advises him. "I mean, someone who might actually want to date you."

Manny tilts his head to the side. "Thanks, Luke. Only you can make my self-esteem plummet. How do you sleep at night?"

Luke sighs. "I'm just saying, it's not exactly fun being the go-to listener on the Manny Show."

"Go-to listener? Who listened for half an hour last week on the problems of blowing up eggs in the microwave?"

It's too easy to fall back into their old patterns, really.

Nobody's more surprised than Luke when he gets into college-he'd pictured a future of just living in the basement, repeating Haley's college years, but when that doesn't happen, he's left staring at a piece of paper that tells them they're happy to admit him, wondering if they've got the wrong kid, even with Mom hugging him and his dad clapping him on the shoulder.

When he learns Manny's got in too, he's not surprised (because of course, Manny's got in, Manny was always going to get in) and it's only a little weird to hear they'll be miles away from each other. He's got used to having Manny around, he tells himself, and so when their parents clink their champagne glasses together to celebrate their sons going off to college, he smiles and listens to Manny's complaints of "Mom, really? _This_ champagne?" and tells himself that it's not an effort to smile.

"You know it's going to be weird" he says, later, when it's just them out by the swimming pool, their glasses still clinking in their hands (Andy's inside and he's too busy staring at Haley to see the glasses by the pool.) "Not having me to make you look normal next year."

Manny tilts his head to the side. "You'd certainly make anyone look normal."

Luke frowns but by the time he gets it, Manny's already smirking with his glass at his lips and he rolls his eyes. "Hilarious, Delgado."

Manny frowns. "You do know technically my name's Pritchett, right?"

Luke rolls his eyes. "Seriously? You're arguing over last names?"

"It's a detail. You never appreciate the details." Manny tilts the empty glass towards him. "This is what colleges look for, Luke. Lack of attention to-"

"Blah, blah, blah" Luke chips in and has the satisfaction of seeing Manny roll his eyes. "Mature, Luke. Mature. Let me know when you're ready to discuss this like a rational adult."

"Who with? One of those rational adults?" Luke tilts his head back towards the house where Mom's currently dancing around the table with Mitchell while Cam's leading what appears to be a congo consisting of Haley, Andy, and Gloria.

Manny sighs. "I'm so alone."

"You will be." Manny rolls his eyes and sits down, dangling his feet in the water. After a moment, his head still spinning a little from the champagne, Luke joins him, the water lapping at his toes, and their ankles brush together but that's easy to ignore.

"Anyway-" Manny's staring into the glass, his eyes distant now, and their legs are touching which Luke vaguely thinks is a little close but the champagne's making his thoughts slower, and he reaches behind them for the half-empty bottle.

"I'm having some reservations, Luke" Manny says seriously, and Luke can't stop the laugh that's escaping his mouth. Manny stares at him, eyes wide and Luke stops. "Sorry. Just-sorry-" and he doesn't know why but he puts a hand on Manny's shoulder.

Manny stares for a minute and Luke doesn't drop his hand. "Seriously, what's up?" he asks and Manny sighs, before he accepts the bottle, refilling his glass.

"It's a long way from home" he says, staring into the pool. "Plus, there's vaccinations to get in order." Off Luke's confused look, Manny shakes his head. "You've got to keep up with your shots. College is a minefield of bacteria."

"OK, seriously-"

"Think about it. That amount of bodily contact? I'm a big hand-shaker."

Luke can't stop the snigger, then. "Yeah, because that's the only bodily contact you get."

Manny glares at him and then turns his gaze back to the water. Luke stares at him for a moment, the way his eyes don't move from the pool as he takes another swig of champagne, the way their legs are still brushing. "Seriously? That's what's bothering you?"

Manny stares at him. "If this is another reference to girls being "gettable", firstly, I have to point out that's offensive-"

"It's not about that." Luke doesn't even know what's coming out of his mouth, but he takes another gulp of champagne and words pour out. "I mean-it's not just about that. I mean-you spend all this time worrying about not being able to find the right girl when-I mean-the girl should be worrying about-like-finding you. I mean-I mean, you don't need to worry about it-because it's not like it'll happen sooner-or-or whatever. And anyway, I don't get why you-she'd be fine with you, anyway. The right girl." Luke feels his cheeks burning and takes another gulp of champagne, staring down at the water.

He can feel Manny's eyes on him and he deliberately doesn't look. It's a long moment before Manny speaks and suddenly, all Luke can see is that moment on the couch in front of the TV, when he'd tilted his face towards Manny's and then their mouths had been together and it had been warm and wet and kind of weird, really. (Not weird in a bad way, his mind whispers and Luke ignores it.)

"Impressive, Luke." Manny trails his foot through the water. "Confident display of insight. Hopeful sign for your future years."

Luke rolls his eyes. "I'm doing you a favour, Delgado." Manny's foot slides over his own and Luke splashes the water over his legs. Manny jumps. "These shorts are dry-cleaned!"

"And there's a hopeful sign for your future years. College, your shorts are going to be shoved in a machine, Delgado."

Manny glares at him. "So much for doing me a favour."

Luke sighs. "Look, what I'm trying to say is-" He notices Manny staring at his knees and his thoughts are still spinning from the champagne, which is the only reason he says "Look, I find this stuff difficult, OK?"

Manny's head lifts and they stare at one another. Luke waits for some comment about _this is a positive step, Luke, embracing your emotions_ , but instead, Manny just waits quietly for him to speak.

"It's just-you waste all this time thinking about what girls think-when, I mean-look, some of them would be happy to go out with you. I mean, it's not like you're any bad at being a boyfriend. You just-need to let them work it out. " Luke trails off and drains the rest of the champagne, wincing at the bubbles filling his mouth, just for something to do.

He can feel Manny watching him but he keeps his eyes on the water, remembering back when they were just kids and they used to spend whole afternoons floating in the water on their backs, sunglasses over their eyes, sun hot on their faces.

Manny's voice is softer than he expects in the dark next to him. "Thanks, Luke."

Luke shrugs and suddenly, his mind is dragged, quick and sharp, to all the places his skin is touching Manny's. He chews at his lip, but doesn't move away.

Manny doesn't say anything (that alone should tip him off that this is weird, Manny not saying anything.) He just moves closer somehow, perhaps with a breath, so that his and Luke's legs are touching and it feels like every nerve in his skin prickling to attention.

Luke keeps his fingers wrapped tight around the glass, even though they feel too thick and clumsy to hold it. He keeps his eyes on the lights dancing on the pool's surface, the lights from the house and the rest of their family- _their_ family-just an arm's length out of reach.

Manny takes in a breath next to him, a breath that quivers with what could be said, and the back of his hand brushes Luke's and they don't break apart. Luke feels his breath catch in his throat. "I-"

Luke waits, gripping the glass tight, eyes fixed on the water, heart loud in his chest. He waits and he can't look away. He can't drag his eyes away from those lights.

"Luke-" He hears his own name next to him and closes his eyes as Manny takes in a breath and then-"Nothing. It doesn't matter."

Luke stares ahead for a moment and then turns to Manny. The words- _go on, say something_ -are crammed into his mouth, at the tip of his tongue, but then he looks at Manny, really looks at him, in the dark, the way he's huddled in on himself a little, the back of his hand peeling itself away from Luke, and he knows, the same way he knows in the humming in his veins of their skin still being pressed together, that they're not going to talk about it.

So, instead, they clink their glasses together and pretend that college is all they have to worry about.

 

Manny feels like there's glass caught in his throat when he catches Luke with his hands up a girl's shirt.

It shouldn't make sense-Luke didn't know he was coming over and he didn't know he was going to head down into the Dunphy's basement-but he's there, and he's staring at Luke, with some girl-Sandy, she's called, she's from school-with Sandy's head buried in his shoulder, her giggles shaking his chest, and Luke's hand clearly up her shirt, while he whispers to her.

Manny doesn't even realise he's standing there staring, until Luke's eyes fasten on him and he jumps back, his hand untangling itself from Sandy's shirt. "What the hell-"

"What the hell?" is what comes out of Manny's mouth and for once, even he doesn't know what he means. "What the hell?"

Luke's staring at him, and Sandy's head is against his chest, blond strands entwined with Luke's dark hair, and somehow that's-that's what makes Manny turn and run out of the basement.

"Manny, wait up-" he thinks he hears but he doesn't wait (because he's not waiting for Luke. He seems to have spent half his life waiting for Luke. Or Luke's spent half of it waiting for him. He doesn't know which is worse.)

He spends the rest of the day in his room, staring at the ceiling and trying to tell himself he's just surprised. And that it makes sense. And that he's-he doesn't know what he's doing.

He can't tell anyone-the last thing he can do is tell anyone-but not just because of that reason, the one that first springs to mind. But because none of them will understand and he laughs because how can they when he himself can barely understand?

Two days ago, he was thinking about Luke completely-normally. Everyday, doofus, Luke. Just...Luke. Now, thinking of him gives Manny a knot in his chest, which is a disaster for his poetry, as it's the worst cliche in the world.

He doesn't even know why and that's the worst part. All he can remember is that feeling of his chest squeezing tighter and tighter, that dropping in his stomach, as if the world's crumbling, and he doesn't even know who he was looking at.

Which isn't true because he knows that. He wasn't wishing it was his hands under Sandy's shirt. Sandy's beautiful but that's not what he's thinking about.

(He's not thinking about his hands under Luke's shirt, either.)

He can't think about it because it gets tangled up with that kiss and Luke's feet kicking water next to his and the way Luke had glared at him that night when those words had burst out _I find this difficult, OK?_

Mom strokes back his hair and asks _Ah, what's wrong, Manny?_ and Jay just rolls his eyes and says _We're not doing this again_ , and Joe holds his arms up for hugs and ice cream. But Manny's got nothing to say about it, for once, because he doesn't know what there is to say.

With every girl he's known how to feel. He's known to lie on his bedroom floor, feeling crushed. He's known to scribble poetry, trying to find the perfect rhyme for sunset. He's known to walk around with headphones in his ears, letting the music fill up his feelings. With Luke, he doesn't have a clue.

With every girl, he's known what it is, and with Luke, he doesn't even know that.

(And a part of Manny can't help thinking, typical Luke, Luke who sets off fire alarms and skips class and still thinks they can spot UFOs, typical Luke, who breaks all the rules and why wouldn't he break Manny's too.)

 

His hands up Sandy's shirt wasn't what Luke wanted.

(OK, it was what Luke wanted-what a lot of Luke wanted. It just wasn't what the rest wanted and it didn't fix anything, anyway.)

It was what he was supposed to want. Some girl in his class, some hot girl, pretty girl, nice girl-someone to fool around with before they went away to college, someone who he couldn't end up in a screaming break up with, someone nice. Nice and casual.

(He can hear Manny reminding him how expecting someone to always be nice isn't creating a conducive environment to expressing feelings and Luke presses his face into his hands.)

But it felt good and didn't do anything, didn't mean anything and that had been what he'd wanted or thought he'd wanted.

Manny had stared at him, those eyes huge (Luke used to be amazed at how dark those eyes were) and when he'd hear the words crack out of his mouth, he'd felt something twist in his chest, a lump swelling in his throat, something snapping in two. He'd stared after Manny and felt something change in the air, something snap into pieces that they couldn't put back together.

It's tangled when he thinks about Manny, tangled and messed-up and downright confused, and so he buries his face into his pillow and tries not to think about it.

But then he's tried not to think about it before, and it hasn't worked.

He doesn't know what to do. He just knows that it was him who asked. It was him who asked to kiss Manny once, and it was him who made them do it and now it's him whose thoughts are being dragged about until his head aches, his heart constantly beating a little too fast against his ribs.

He calls Manny but Manny never feels like speaking, Gloria tells him sadly. "Ah, Luke, I'm sorry. Why don't you try again, tomorrow?"

He usually likes listening to Gloria's accent-always did, even as a kid-but even that can't help today, and he just tells her not to worry about it. He flops back onto the bed and waits for it all to spill over.

 

They wait until they have to speak to each other, when everyone's at theirs and it's him and Luke out by the pool. (Why is it always by the pool? They seem to spend half their lives yelling at each other by this pool.)

They don't do it deliberately-but they don't wander in either and then it's just him and Luke by the pool and then it all snaps in two.

"Be careful" is all Manny says to him, when he sees Luke wandering next to the pool with a beer and that's all it takes for Luke to snap.

"Be careful?" He spins round to stare at Manny from the opposite side of the pool, his face cast blue in the overhead lights. "Be careful? Seriously, was that your voice? I can't fucking remember what it sounds like-"

"Luke-"

"Don't just-" Luke looks for a moment as though he's about to throw the bottle. "Don't just _Luke_ me, OK? Don't just-" He takes another long gulp of beer and then he laughs, the sound harsh and broken. "We're leaving for college, tomorrow-fucking college tomorrow-and you're still just "Luke-ing" at me, like this is just another fucking episode of your life, with me as your dumb little-"

"I never said that!" Manny's heading round the pool towards him now and he doesn't even have the time to phrase anything correctly, to spin it into sentences. "I never said you were stupid-"

"You don't have to." Luke takes another gulp of beer. When the bottle pulls away from his lips with a sound like a kiss, he shakes his head. "I broke up with Sandy, by the way. Since we're going to college. You know, so you don't need to worry about us expressing our feelings or crying over fucking break-up letters-"

Manny's hand fastens on Luke's sleeve before he can think about it and Luke tenses but he doesn't pull away. "That's not what I wasn't talking about" he says and when Luke shakes his head, he says it again, his voice louder. "That's not what I wasn't talking about."

Luke stares at him, shaking his head. "You didn't fucking pick up the phone for a month! You didn't let me talk, you didn't wait." His voice cracks, Manny thinks, but then he's drinking the beer again and it's impossible to tell. "You didn't even fucking wait" Luke says and suddenly, Manny's tired, so tired of all of this. It's the start of the rest of their lives and he already feels old before they've even taken their first breaths.

He shrugs. "I don't know what you want from me, Luke" he says and he realises for the first time that that's what he means (that that's part of it, even if he doesn't know what the other part is.) "I don't know what you want from me."

Luke stares at him. "I want you to be there" he says, and his voice is lower now, flooded with something rawer, smaller. "I wanted you to be there."

Manny looks at him and says "What do you think I wanted?" And he's really asking because if Luke knows, maybe he'll know the answer to all of this.

"What do I-" Luke shakes his head, rakes his hands through his hair. (His hair, where Sandy's hands have been tangled.) "I don't know. I never know what the fuck you want, haven't you noticed? No one ever knows what you want." He laughs again, softer and sadder this time. "It's you who knows what everyone else wants."

Manny stares at him and opens his mouth. "That's not-" But he doesn't finish. He doesn't know. He doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't want Luke's hands up Sandy's shirt. He doesn't want his own hands-he-

He doesn't know and he hates not knowing.

Luke shakes his head. "You don't even know what you want" he says and his voice cracks. Manny's finger brushes his wrist and they both look down to see Manny's still holding Luke's sleeve. Their family's laughter echoes on the air, so near they could almost touch it, inside where everything makes sense.

"Luke-" he says and for a second, Luke's staring at him and he thinks he might, he might-But then Luke shakes his head, his eyes brighter somehow, in the lights.

"I can't do this" he says and he pulls back, dragging his sleeve from Manny's fingers. "I can't do this right now."

"Luke." This time, that's all Manny says. Just his name, and then his fingers fasten onto his sleeve. "Luke-"

Luke drops the beer bottle. It smashes on the floor between them, liquid puddling out, glass sharp in the night.

Luke shakes his head once and drops his gaze before Manny can stare at him but his eyes are brighter than usual. He drags his sleeve free of Manny's grip and heads for the house without another word.

Manny stands alone by the pool, his breathing faster, chest rising and falling. He waits for a moment and then he crouches, begins to gather the bright shards of glass. His heart is pounding and when one slips against his skin and a red drop wells at the tip of his finger, he doesn't even care. He crouches, alone on the side of the pool, staring down at the glass shards, scattered and glittering in the moonlight.

 

College is far enough away that Luke can pretend everything's fine with Manny, the way it's fine with everyone else in his family. And he does, going to more parties than Alex and less than Haley, and having a roommate who actually doesn't mind some of his dad's magic tricks-at least, not when they stagger into their dorm room, with shots soaking into their systems and when they're lying on their respective beds, the world spinning around them, Luke can almost forget that without Manny, he might not have been here at all.

He hooks up with a couple of girls, who are fun and hot and nice, and everything he should be wanting for freshman year dates but whenever he falls into bed with his face buried in their hair, he's not thinking about them, and that's not how it should be. He stares at the ceiling and tries to tell himself this is normal. (And tries not to remember Manny shaking his head over his shoulder, staring at one of his grade transcripts. "You're better than this, Luke. This is like one of those nature shows where the baby hippo is afraid of the waterhole.")

He asks casually how Manny's doing whenever he Facetimes his parents and acts like they're talking all the time and guesses that Manny will be doing the same (and hates that he can still guess that.) He props his head up on his hands and calls Reuben who asks pointedly how Manny's doing-"I know you haven't talked to him. Because I just talked to him. Talking to you both one by one is wearing out my fingertips, we need group chat back"-and spends the rest of the night telling himself he doesn't care.

(He remembers Manny pacing behind him while he pushed himself towards the conclusion of an essay-"For God's sake, Luke. You're going to end up sinking faster than the Titanic and I don't need to go through that crying jag again" and when he threw the stupid dictionary across the room and told Manny he didn't need all this and everyone knew he was never going to get into college anyway, Manny's hands on his shoulders, one moving to grip his chin-"Luke. I have sacrificed three hours to help you with an essay that took me one and a half, plus I have missed my daily dosage of Lethal Ladies. Do you know how many poisonings can take place in one episode? And I've missed them all. So, if I have one thing to say, you are finishing that essay. I didn't miss seeing Carmen and Rodolpho get back together for nothing.")

It's one night when his roommate's out and Luke's throwing up in his trash can and the room's spinning around him that he drags himself across the floor and presses his mobile into his cheek and calls Manny and listens to the phone ring and ring.

Manny's not picking up and Luke laughs because of course Manny's not picking up. Why would Manny pick up?

Because it doesn't matter, he murmurs "I'm sorry" over and over again into the phone because he's too drunk to care and then Manny's voice is sharp in his ear-"Luke. Luke. What's going on?"

Luke clutches the phone tight for a moment and then presses the end call button and reaches for the trash can again.

 

The next morning, he has seven anxious calls from his mother and he spends half an hour reassuring her he's fine and it's then that she tells him who called her but he'd already guessed. Of course he'd guessed. Who else would it have been?

He waits to feel furious, but instead, he feels nothing. He sits there and waits and when he finally feels something creeping in, it's not fury or annoyance, it's relief and something else. He pushes his hair off his head and thinks about nights by Jay's swimming pool and the fact Manny called everyone else when he couldn't call Luke back.

He looks down at his phone. Manny's called four times. And there's a message.

_Just let me know you're OK._

Luke swallows and lets his head fall into his hands. He takes a deep breath and knows that he needs to go home.

 

Manny paces the dorm room, hands raking through his hair-which he just got cut two days ago, for God's sake-and waits until his mom calls him and tells him that Luke's fine. "He's just a lee-tle hung over, Manny, he's fine"-and Manny tries not to sound like it's too much of a relief.

He stares at the message for what feels like forever before he sends it, thinking of his fingers in Luke's sleeve, the shards around their feet, Luke's eyes too bright under the stars, and then he thinks of the fact Luke called him. Luke called him and he'd held the phone to his ear and heard those words over and over, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

He stares at the phone and then he sends the text because he needs to know and there's no use pretending he doesn't. He needs to know Luke's OK because he's always needed to know Luke's OK. Even if Luke's never appreciated it.

He sends the message and then falls asleep with his phone in his hand, waiting for a reply he doesn't expect to come.

When he wakes up, it's dark and his eyes sting and there's a message on his phone.

_I'm coming home a day early for Thanksgiving. I need to see you._

It's from Luke and Manny tells himself not to be a pushover, not to be there, but he tells Luke he's doing the same and to just stay at their's because Jay and Gloria will be in Columbia with Joe, and he doesn't let himself think about it.

He's kissed a few girls but he hasn't been out with any. It's been them inviting him out to parties, them slipping notes under his door, them doing everything he's always wanted them to do and now he's got it, and he doesn't want any of it.

He doesn't want Luke is what he likes to think.

He doesn't know what he wants.

He tried kissing a guy. It was OK and wasn't as different as he expected but it didn't give him the answer. He was there when the girls needed to know how to make their boyfriends stay and when they should let them go. He was there and he answered and he held their hands and whenever they asked if he needed to talk, he never needed to, and it didn't make sense that it was Luke's voice in the back of his head, alcohol swimming through their veins one night at the side of Jay's pool. _You always listen. You never-you never let anyone listen for you._

He tries to listen, tries to give advice that works, tries to slide everyone's problems and his too into an answer that makes sense.

And Manny almost laughs because what about this makes sense?

 

He gets home after Luke. Of course he does because either he's waiting for Luke or Luke's waiting for him and he doesn't even know what that stupid phone call meant. And why's he trying to make it mean so much more than he did?

And Luke's stretched out asleep on the couch like he owns the place, because of course he is. It's Luke and anyone else would seem arrogant but somehow, Luke's just Luke.

Manny stands there, exhausted from the plane ride and the cab and his luggage (which he's had to carry himself) and just looks at him. Luke's still in a T-shirt and jeans and Manny just stands there and stares at him and wonders why he's not even surprised to find him there.

He just stands there until his hand reaches out and pushes Luke's hair off his forehead. He doesn't know he's going to do it, and then Luke's eyes flicker and he squints up at him. Manny doesn't move away. There's no point.

"Manny?" Luke hasn't said his name in what feels like forever. "What the hell-"

"What the hell? It's my house." He tries for a lighter tone but the words come out heavy and cracked as he remembers the last time he and Luke were face to face.

Luke frowns. "You told me to come here."

Manny's reminded that Luke might be smarter than he thinks but sometimes, his expectations are still too high. And that his hand is still in Luke's hair.

"Did I wake you up?" he asks and that's even worse but Luke just pulls himself upright and says "What is it?"

"What's-"

"I need to see you." Luke pulls out his phone. "That's what you said."

Manny does. He needs to see Luke more than he's ever needed to see anyone, and he doesn't know if he loves or hates Luke being right about something. "You were right."

Luke's eyes widen. Manny guesses it's not something Luke hears often. "What?"

"About the listening. You were right." Manny shrugs. "I listen to other people and-" _So I don't have to listen to me._ The words are unspoken between them, but so's everything else, so what difference does it make?

Luke moves a little closer to him, and in the dark their arms are brushing. "I didn't mean it in a bad way. I mean-you're better than me at that stuff."

Manny shrugs. "I don't want to discourage the progress, Luke, but that's not hard."

Luke rolls his eyes. "Nice one, Pink Shirt."

"One time!"

Luke breaks into a snigger and something in Manny's chest snaps. He can't remember when he last heard Luke laugh, and suddenly having him there, next to him, laughter still splintering out of his mouth, is too much for him, but he can't move away. It would feel like dying to move away.

"I-" He tries to laugh but he can't. He just can't, not after everything. "You called me" he says and just like that, Luke isn't laughing anymore.

"I know."

"You-" Manny laughs then, but the sound's tired and drained. "I was so scared, Luke" he says and then he's saying it into his hands. "I was so goddamn scared."

He can feel Luke breathing next to him. Their arms are touching and Manny doesn't look. He waits for Luke to get up and leave. He doesn't.

Luke's voice is low. "I didn't know who else to call" and Manny waits for the joke, the punchline, but there's nothing. Just something they can't even whisper.

"I always call you" and Manny can't look at Luke right now, not with what he's saying, not with this between them, God, he can't-"It's always you. Since we were kids. God, it's always-it's always you."

Manny lifts his head then, and it feels like his heart's in his throat. He's never been this scared and the house has never felt this quiet and he and Luke have never been this close, they can't have been, because it feels as if it's prickling at his skin, how close they are.

"Everything-it was-it was just screwed up, that night" Luke says and Manny nods, but then Luke shakes his head. "Not in college. Not then. Before-"

He stops and Manny knows they're both thinking of those shards of glass, glittering between them like an accusation.

"It's just-" Luke laughs then but the sound's a little sharp, a little frantic. "What the hell-I couldn't listen to it. I couldn't be there with you and-" He shakes his head, his fingers reaching into his hair. "That's why I rang you" he says quietly. "Because-I couldn't-I mean, I needed you to know-I'd have done it before but-maybe that was why I was drunk, I don't even fucking know-" His head falls into his hands and this time it's Manny's hand that lands on his back. They sit there like that for a moment, Luke's shoulder blades sharp through his shirt and they're so quiet it almost hurts.

"It's just-" Luke laughs again, the sound high and wavering. "What-what the hell are we doing? I mean-this is just-what are we doing, what's wrong with us-"

Manny catches his breath because they're saying it. They're saying it and this is where he should tell Luke to stop, not to worry, that it was only a kiss, that it was Luke's kiss-but he doesn't because it isn't and maybe this is the one thing he understands about himself as well as he understands everything about everyone else.

And it was before the kiss. It's been there under those photos, under those _just a joke_ lines, under everything and he doesn't know what to do.

"Nothing" he says and he's surprised himself at how loud his voice is. "Nothing's wrong with us. It's-it's not-" His voice is breaking. "I'm not your-I mean, it's not like we're related-"

Luke laughs again. "Oh, give it a break, for-" He shivers suddenly, and drags a hand across his eyes. "We're as good as. You think that's how-that's how everyone else-"

Suddenly, Manny's forehead is against Luke's and they're gripping each other's shoulders. "We haven't done anything wrong" he whispers and he shudders at how fierce the words are, at how they're whispered against Luke's skin. "We didn't do anything wrong." He wonders if anyone else has ever whispered this, if anyone else has ever felt this push-and-pull that seems to be killing them both.

Luke shakes his head against Manny's forehead and suddenly, he's gasping out a laugh. "I can't believe it's you" he says quietly and then he presses their foreheads together tighter. "I can't believe it's you asking me to break the rules" and suddenly, Manny's laughing, the sound aching in his throat.

He can't take it and his hands are on Luke's shoulders. "I don't even know what the rules are anymore" he says and the words break quietly, desperately in the darkness, and then he opens his mouth and lets himself say the words that he knows Luke wants to-"I missed you."

Luke just stares at him and then their noses are crushing each other and their mouths are against each other and it doesn't even feel like kissing. It feels like trying to crawl inside each other and hide. Luke's hands are clawing at the back of his head and Manny wants to hold him against his chest until they can pretend that none of the rest of it matters, that this is the only thing they need between them.

It becomes gentler kissing, gentler and softer and that just makes it harder and harder to pretend but then Manny shakes his head and a laugh breaks out against Luke's mouth because they're not pretending anymore. It's not a joke, it was never a joke and he remembers him and Luke on that bus, their legs together, rolling their eyes together, and he doesn't know how he never saw this, or maybe he always saw it.

It's too gentle and it's then that Luke says "I'm scared, too" against Manny's mouth and that's what makes Manny wrap his arms around him and hold him and instead he just presses his face into his neck and whispers "It's OK." His cheeks are wet and he thinks Luke's are too, but he just shakes his head and holds Luke's head against his shoulder.

It's later, the sunrise coming up and filling the sky, tickling the pool pink, with the two of them sprawled out in one deckchair, Luke's head on Manny's shoulder, that Manny says "What happens now?"

Luke shrugs because Luke's always been better at shrugging, shrugging and not knowing, and Manny tilts his head against Luke's because he doesn't know what else to do. "Am I crazy?" he asks and Luke laughs, the sound right against Manny's skin. "If you are, I am, too."

Manny slides his hand into Luke's and they've never done this before but Luke squeezes back, their fingers winding in and out of one another. "I'm glad you're here" he says and he means it, and Luke's eyes are on his, softer and darker now, and then he says "Me, too." He laughs and says "Oh God, Manny, I don't know what we're going to do" and Manny just holds him because it's OK. They'll make it OK. It feels like the world is breaking around them but they'll make it OK.

They sit there, they just sit there together and watch the sunrise, the dusk of waiting behind them, Luke's head on Manny's shoulder, their lips swollen with the ghosts of nighttime kisses and their eyes finding each other in the first breaths of the morning.

They're right there together and now, neither of them is waiting.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment if you liked it :)


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